Boundaries and Guilt

I said no.

One of the bullet points of my personal mission statement is to "carefully consider requests to commit my time, accepting or declining as best fits my values and goals." Sounds unemotional and reasonable, but I can't adequately express how difficult living this is for me, and what negative emotions it stirs up! I could benefit from a can't-say-no support group.

But for once, I said no.

I was asked to serve on a new, and needed, parish committee by a person I like and respect. My first impulse was to say yes, but I forced myself to sit with the request and think it through. In this case, I could tell that my impulse to join came more from fear of disappointing this person than it did from wanting to commit time to the objectives of the committee, as worthy as those objectives are. It was a tough decision -- the need to please nearly consumes me -- but in the end, I DID say no.

Do I feel good about it? Not really. I'm struggling with guilt and the feeling that I've let this person down. This is why I end up with too much busy and not enough time spent on the things I value most.

As uncomfortable as these feelings are, I will live with them knowing that I made a good decision. Maybe with a little more practice, saying no won't be so hard.

Complications

Transitioning from real estate has become more complicated than I expected. I am currently working with a client, a very picky professional couple. They want to live in a better neighborhood and in a house with lower maintenance, but have no truly burning motivation for moving, so I've been wondering whether I should refer them. I kind of hate to, because I've spent several months showing them houses.

Well, guess what? Yep, we found the perfect house this past Friday, and they are now under contract. Woo hoo!

The complicated part is that they can afford to purchase before selling their current home, which is the path they have chosen. They'll have the luxury of moving out on their own timeline, then getting the house ready for market. We're looking at late October as the earliest the house would list, and I had hoped to be out of real estate by then.

Having a listing means, among other things, being on call 24/7.  I'm considering asking them if I could bring in another agent, but these clients happen to be close friends. I'll have to proceed carefully. I do know that if I list it, I would want to put 100% effort behind selling it. They don't need to be stuck with two houses.

I'm already planning to put back money from my fee earned from their purchased home toward staging and marketing their house. I would do my best, but fear my heart is no longer in it. Referring to a good, experienced agent may be the best thing for them. I'll have to think about this one. I want to do right by them, and also by me.

On another note, of my transition projects, the only one I've tackled with measurable success is cleaning up and organizing my home office. I've a long way to go, but I'm getting there. I need to work with budgets next. Having an unexpected commission check coming in October changes things. Nice income, but also unexpected expense as I will need to maintain monthly office fees and pay MLS dues for the fourth quarter.

Leaping Without a Net

So I've made the decision to quit my job as a real estate agent. And as I've done so often in my life, I have only a hazy plan of what to do next. This is called leaping without a net.

This time though, I'm wearing a bungie cord.

Kat's income is enough for the household, including money toward retirement and savings. Knowing we're doing ok without my income makes it even more important for me to have a transition plan in place.

I put together a list of projects to shape my days for the next month:

• Make a list of all leads and clients, and decide whether to follow up or refer them.
• Work with Kat to make a plan for cost-saving and simplifying.
• Create a new budget for the rest of the year, subtracting expenses and projected income from real estate.
• Clear out and re-organize home office space.
• Work on Fumbling at Joy; re-purpose and polish it up. FaJ has been a toe in the blogging waters, and so far I like the temperature.
• Review manuscripts and query letters. After receiving several rejections, I had received positive feedback on a middle grade novel from a literary agent and an editor, though both ultimately chose not to take on the work. In spite of the positives, I lost the faith. My reaction to the manuscripts will tell me if I should renew it.

I will need to be disciplined about working these projects into my days. Now that I'm not at the office as much, I'm doing more household management and volunteer work. I know from before how just those two things can completely take over.

Now to tie up a loose end -- I did speak with my broker. He was of course gracious and gave me suggestions for how I might transition out. If he weren't such a great guy, I wouldn't have felt guilty about telling him I'm leaving. So there was nothing to worry about -- a lesson I have been taught many times and will continue to learn.

Quitting is Hard to Do

Today -- if I don't lose my nerve -- I will tell my broker that I am leaving real estate. I had hoped to lie low until the end of September, not pursuing leads but perhaps helping people into rentals, which is a short-term sort of thing. As independent contractors, agents aren't required to be in the office, and most of us work from our homes when we're not out in the field. BUT, I had started a 12-week leads-generation class which has five weeks left, and my broker is starting another class for newer agents and wants me to attend. I don't feel right pretending for another two months.

This morning I wrote at length in my journal, working out whether I've made the best decision. I still don't KNOW, but I feel more sure each day. Certain enough to have that talk with my broker, even though I dread it. I've been through much worse than this, so buck up! (I say to myself). The day will pass and evening will fall and Kat and I will have supper together and all will be well.

Clearing Out Worries

"Live without fear!"
     Command given by the celebrant before the final blessing and dismissal of an Episcopal service

I've been unable to make a major decision, telling myself I will take plenty of time to think things through, waiting until the fall to finally make a decision about whether to pull the plug on my business.

I'm stalling.

I am afraid I will regret leaving real estate. I am afraid I will regret not leaving real estate. The very worst thing I could do is never decide and continue to do a half-assed job at real estate while keeping a toe in my writing ventures. Success at anything requires commitment and focus and passion.

I've been in this sort of twilight world of non-commitment for a while now, long enough to have created habits of thought and attitude in danger of shaping me into a fearful, hesitant person. I want instead to be a fearless, open-hearted, adventuresome person!

To that end, and as a first step, I will drag my fears -- those niggly little worries that live in the dark crannies of my brain -- into the light. Here are a few:

Imagining What Others Will Think of Me.

I got my license a year and a half ago and have trumpeted it to all my friends and acquaintances. Will they think I'm flighty for leaving? Will they respect me less? I have four leads for next year, acquaintances/friends who want to list in the spring. What will they think if I walk away after I've promised to help them?

Disappointing my Broker.

I like my broker very much, and I know he's trying to bring new agents on board. The thought of disappointing him makes me queasy, and that's affecting my ability to think this through.

Failure.

I alluded to this in my last post. I've just closed on the last of five contracts and am not currently involved in a contract process. I have one buyer client who is not in a hurry AT ALL and only two or three weakish prospects. I'm working on it, but what if I can't do it? If I decide to leave right now I won't know whether I would have failed to make it work. If I do leave, I might fail at my writing ventures and whatever Plan B turns out to be.

Money.

Related to the previous. If I stay and am unable to work at least one contract by the end of the year, I will have lost another $1,000 (or close to it) in business expenses. If I leave, I walk away from a lot of potential income, especially given that I have some prospects for this year and leads for work after the new year. And although the height of real estate season is winding down, surely I can drum up at least one contract which would pay my business expenses and give us a couple extra thousand. OTOH, the last drought I endured, between initial contracts shortly after receiving my license and this last spate of contracts, was nearly twelve months. I won't do that again.

Now that these fears are exposed, I can see what pasty little ghost things they are, especially the first three. Time to loosen their power over me.

Eleanor Roosevelt said, "You wouldn't worry about what people think of you if you realized how seldom they do." My friends and acquaintances may take a minute or two to wonder why I'm quitting (if indeed I do) and what I might be up to next, and their musings will quickly be drowned by their own worries. And as for those I've "promised" to help, good for me I happen to know several top-notch agents I can refer them to.

My broker is a big boy. He's been in the business a long time, and though I know he likes me and thinks I have potential, he's seen hundreds of agents come and go. And I'm not exactly a million dollar producer. I think he'll live.

Failure is a matter of perspective. If a venture doesn't turn out as envisioned, it is a failure measured against initial expectations, but the venture has succeeded in moving me along a path to a place I would not otherwise have been, and along that path I've picked up new friends, new skills, and new strength of purpose. (Ok, not much of the latter yet).

The money worry remains a more legitimate concern. It should be the primary concern actually. I started this business solely for the purpose of bringing more funds into the household. So far I've done that, but not nearly the amount I'd expected for the hours worked. Monitoring my business and household budgets and being realistic about projected income will -- I hope -- help me decide this rationally, without a bunch of bugaboos clouding the process.

Awash in Cash (Sort Of)

Here we are into July, and I'm no closer to making a decision about my business.

Tomorrow Kat and I go on a 5 day vacation with my family -- parents, siblings and their spouses, and lovely nieces and nephews. It's a frugal vacation for all of us. We meet at campgrounds on the nearby San Marcos River, rent tiny duplexes (with the required AC), and haul our own groceries. Five days of visiting, napping, playing cards, reading, and tubing down the river. Bliss!

The sticker shock for us is the price of providing care for our pets while we're gone. Our two big dogs are geriatric now, both with arthritis in their back legs. I researched the best place possible to keep them and found a kennel with private suites and in-door play areas that will give them quiet rest and air-conditioned exercise. For both girls, it's $75.00 a night -- choke! That's almost the cost of our own accommodations!! It's worth it though. We also pay our neighbor's kids $120 to take care of our cats, fish, outdoor ferals, and plants.

We've thought about a house sitter for all the pets, but we have one cat who is very crafty about dashing out the door. She is a house cat and would not make it outside, and we're afraid to lose her if we had someone here letting the dogs in and out. Also, the neighbor's kids are able to make money for back to school stuff, and I know their parents more than appreciate it. So this is just the cost of our going places, which is why we do so little of it (Something I am fine with, being a homebody and not liking to travel much).

We have better cash flow this year than we've had in a long time, and much less worry as a result. All of our travel expenses, including the pet care, will be paid cash, and at the same time, we've managed to bring the balance of our credit card from over $9,000 at the beginning of the year to $2,900.

But I've taken a look at our finances, and a lot of our increased cash comes from sources other than my real estate business. Kat received a significant raise at work last August, and in January of this year, the city extended medical benefits to domestic partners. My being on Kat's health insurance saves us nearly $200 a month, and the insurance is much better than my private insurance, so we're paying less out of pocket for physicals and such.

The cash flow has felt so good, I thought I was making more than I am. If I take my gross and subtract ALL business-related expenses, taxes, and tithe, I've made nearly $5,000 in profit so far this year. The expenses are more than I realized. As you know, $5,000 is not a living wage!! It's a nice supplement, and a big part of the reason that we're not worrying over money nearly as much, but is it worth it for the aggravation and the hours I put in? Could be too early to pull the plug, but I don't feel momentum going forward, and that's my fault. If I can't be passionate about this, I don't think it will work, but God I don't want another failed thing.

So as not to end on a glum note, I have to share that I feel unreasonably happy right now. Well, maybe not unreasonably. I WILL be with family tomorrow, with the very people who would not at all see this as "another failed thing" (and neither would Kat). That's one bad thought I need to somehow bar from this decision-making process.

How to Spend a Thousand Dollars

Monday I finally closed on the deal I thought was falling apart a month ago. Yesterday I picked up my check from the office. Finally, something substantial! The money is going into savings for taxes, into business checking for upcoming expenses, and on the credit card.

Next week, if all goes well, I close on a small deal which will net me a little over $1,000. I should put it on the card and toward business, but I talked to Kat and we're going to pick something from our long list of deferred household projects. Here's where things get tricky. We have a pretty long list, and with money (almost) in hand, it's more difficult to prioritize than I thought it would be.

Right now -- after much discussion -- the top two contenders are a sleeper sofa for the office or a new washer and dryer. We have a futon now in the office for company, and we have a LOT of overnight company. Our bed and breakfast lifestyle is due to living in the lovely city of San Antonio with our families nearby -- Austin, College Station, and near Houston. In fact a a sister and two nieces will be staying with us over Memorial Day weekend. How wonderful to simply pull out the bed and provide a nice mattress for them to sleep on.

BUT, we guesstimate our washer and dryer to be between 30 and 35 years old. They were old when my aunt and uncle got rid of them for spiffier models, and we've had them over 14 years. I'm sure we're committing crimes against the environment by using them, and in the last couple of months they've added a variety of noises to the cacophony they already produce.

Even as I write this, I see the better use of the money is in the washer and dryer. It seems more a need than the sleeper sofa, is something we use more often, and could actually save us money on our utility bill. But we both want the sleeper sofa more, and I know us well enough to know that we don't provide a good brake for the other when we're wanting the same thing. Hmmm. Perhaps we can find some bargains and make this a both/and instead of an either/or.

I have to say, this is the kind of dilemma I like to have.

For God's sake Jim, I'm an Agent not a Plumber!

Miraculously the deal hasn't fallen through. Things are looking up, but closing is not until May, so plenty of time to worry some more.

The reason I started a business in real estate in the first place was -- not so much to start yet another career -- but to bring in extra money. It's a long story how real estate came up as a viable way to earn extra bucks, but let's just say that the person who got me into this assured me it was something I could do part time.

I don't think so.

Work part time and you have no business at all but LOTS of expenses. Maybe I should have done more research before jumping into the deep end. Too late now.

So here I am with a lot of training and some experience. I don't want to walk away from it just because my life has taken a turn I wasn't at all expecting. I made an impulsive decision to get into real estate, but don't want to make the same mistake getting out. (Or was it a mistake? Hmmmm. Telling. This blog is working already!!)

My partner earns enough to support the household, with some put aside for retirement and savings, but not a whole lot extra. I've been doing some not too lucrative writing, home-making, volunteering, paid consulting here and there. We've been ok with the frugal lifestyle, but we have some big expenses and a few wants and I'd like to sock away more for retirement.

The first thing I plan to do with this season of my life is lay groundwork, create habits that will support a more deliberate, informed decision-making process about what's next, and then a COMMITMENT to that thing. More on creating habits in future posts.

Today I should feel relieved and happy about that durn contract, but I feel kind of down. Maybe it's that I know it can still fall through, or maybe it's a completely unrelated phone call on a different house purchased by an out-of-town client that involves me going and checking on a water line or something of which I have no clue. That's why agents recommend their clients use inspectors and contractors. I'm not a plumber, people!!

Welcome

I am in a place -- mentally, emotionally, and financially -- that I'd rather not be. Some things in my life are lovely -- my partner being the main joy -- and some are miserable -- the primary culprit being my business. I tend to over-think, over-worry, and work myself into confusion, and all the while, what I'm trying to figure out is how to live life well.

I'm in my mid-40's, and I'd like to have things figured out already. But that's a pretty amorphous goal, so a more focused goal, with a deadline of September, is to decide what to do about my business. This blog is part of my discernment process.

My business is real estate. I got my agent's license in Texas nearly a year and a half ago, and I am beginning to think I'm spectacularly unsuited to the business of buying and selling houses. For one, I'm struggling to break even. Expenses are high and closings (with accompanying paychecks) are few. Right now I'm working a contract for a nice house; my fee will put a good dent in credit card debt. And guess what? Today I'm watching it all fall apart, which does happen, but for me it's THE straw. (And so this blog. Cheaper than therapy).

I work hard every day, and some weeks, like the last few, I barely have time to eat, and so I'm feeling more and more disorganized and discouraged. I'm hoping this blog will help push me to organize and keep on top of finances -- I certainly need to do that to make an informed decision about my work -- and will aid me in sorting through the myriad influences that affect what I do now and may do next. Tall order for a blog, but I need to start somewhere.

So welcome to Fumbling at Joy, which really is the heart of it all. Ultimately I just want to live my life well, with as much joy as possible.