Kitchen Makeover

Kat and I have been mulling a kitchen face-lift for a few years now. My reluctance to get started stemmed from what I figured would be the high cost. Our appliances started to crap out -- the disposal, the dishwasher -- and we have lived with them in their various stages of brokenness, figuring all would be replaced with the makeover. 

My real estate days had given me a few contacts, and one was a semi-retired carpenter who gave us an itemized quote for completing a wish list we had given him. We were happily able to afford most of it, and here are the results in before and after shots:

BEFORE

AFTER

Unfortunately my pictures are like those cheesy weight loss ads that run in tabloids with the 'before' featuring a woman grumpy and slouching, and an 'after' of the same woman upright and smiling. I somehow misplaced my 'before' pictures and all I could find was this one of a dirty kitchen taken when I was trying out a new camera. Egads. But you get the idea.

We replaced our upper cabinets with cabinets extending to the ceiling and over the refrigerator, installed an over the range microwave, extended our counter with new laminate countertops and built-in shelves above and below, put in a backsplash, a new single-basin sink and faucet, and added crown molding to the kitchen and living room. 

The only appliance we replaced other than the microwave was the dishwasher, which, as I mentioned, was stumbling toward broke. The range and refrigerator (both nearly 15 years old but hanging in there) we will keep until they no longer function.

To save money, we did a few things ourselves. We put in the backsplash — subway tile — and Kat installed the dishwasher. As our carpenter worked, Kat realized that she could have done some of the trim work and the shelves herself, but he did give us a good price, so not too much regret.

We were able to pay cash, though we now need to replenish our short-term savings. We spend so much time at home, though, and have such a stream of company coming through, that we felt this project worth it.

What did it cost?

Carpenter (including countertops, custom cabinets, crown molding, a lower corner cabinet with large lazy susan, installation of new sink, faucet, and disposal, upper and lower shelves for extended counter, over the range microwave with installation and a vent through the roof) -- $6500

Backsplash -- $100

Window treatments (bamboo blinds) -- $150

Paint -- $70

Baskets, napkin holder, other -- $80

Sink and disposal -- $230 (The price of the faucet is included in the $6500)

Dishwasher -- $400

Total cost was right at $7500 for a beautiful, more functional new kitchen that we love!

Catching Up

I'm back!

I’ve been struggling to jump back into the blog pool. I climbed out, dried off, went in for a snack, and have felt reluctant to get wet again. I’ve been circling the pool for months and . . .

Ok enough of that metaphor. I ignored my writing goals and time passed. 

Since I last checked in, Kat and I have a new(ish) kitchen and another murphy bed. Hooray!

First, the kitchen. We had saved toward sprucing up our kitchen — adding storage and counter space — but we knew it wasn’t enough. We took out a small loan, hired a semi-retired carpenter who quoted us a very reasonable price, and went to work. 

Second, Kat took the opportunity of some time off and having her dad visit to build a murphy bed in our office. We had one already in the sewing room, and it is beyond wonderful. We have LOTS of visitors and need both rooms (sewing room and office) for guests, and now I will be able to simply pull down the already made up beds each time a sibling with family comes to visit. We’re heading into that bed and breakfast time of the year, and I am ready.

With our home improvement projects, along with work and being in charge of multiple events that happened to fall in September and early October, we let good habits lapse but also shed a few bad habits. More on that in a future post, and I’ll also be posting before and after pictures of the kitchen and office.

It’s good to be back!

Fumbling for a Simple Life

A couple of weeks ago I attended the daily Mass at my parish (an Episcopal parish in the catholic tradition). It was the feast of St. Benedict of Nursia, the saint responsible for the most popular of monastic rules, one full of common sense for ordering the communal life. Our rector talked about the simplicity of a monastic life, a life very attractive to me. So much so that when I was in my mid-twenties, I entered a religious order (I was Roman Catholic at the time). 

I was with the sisters for six years before discerning a different path. I left with a taste for morning silence, a clean room, and an ordered life.

My struggle for integration is part of this attraction to a simple life. But here’s the rub. To engage with life pushes one outward, to help the neighbor, to address injustice, to be involved in community. These things complicate life. How much simpler life would be if other people weren’t involved! 

This will always be a struggle of mine, perhaps a defining struggle. Much of living more simply is internal — keeping perspective and mindfulness amid the busyness of the days, but external circumstances don’t always have to be as counter to a simple, more contemplative life as I let them become. I like to jump in and take charge and get things done, until I feel squashed beneath the weight of agendas, meetings, and follow-up. The day arrives that I’m not only not doing what is needful for my own life, but I’m probably not being as helpful as I think I am. 

Time to let go of the things that are no longer life giving. If they’re not life giving for me, I doubt they are for others. 

All of this is easier said than done, but the new school year is about to begin, and I am committed through at least May for some things, and through December of next year for others. My goal will be to shed those things I need to shed over the next ten months. And since  it is my habit to fill freed up time with more busy, I will commit to giving any of this miraculous time to creative work that brings some measure of joy. Like Tolkien’s road, ‘fumbling at joy’ goes ever on and on. 

The Good, The Sort Of Good, The Bad, The Ugly, and the Good Again.

The Good — 

Recently I was kicking myself for procrastinating on getting a new term life insurance policy, because with my recent skin cancer removal and a few other medical issues, I was looking at a rate below standard. Imagine my surprise when my insurance agent called to congratulate me for getting the preferred rate! My blood work results must have been quite good (I have to mail a request if I want to see them). So I’m surprised but feeling good about my health right now. 

The Sort of, Maybe Good — 

For the past three months, Kat has spent many hours studying for a promotional exam held last Tuesday. She actually took a couple of weeks vacation at the end to really focus on her studies. At her rank, promoting to the next level is extremely competitive. 

She did well on the test, but seniority is not on her side, and her score plus seniority put her at number thirteen on the eligibility list. Normally this would be good enough for a promotion sometime over the next year, but rumors are that it will be a lean year, with fewer than ten promotions. She’s convinced herself that no promotion is in the cards and is already working out her strategy for studying next year. UGH!!! I on the other hand, while disappointed that she is disappointed after her very hard work, am optimistic that she’ll be promoted. Time will tell.

The Bad  —

The San Antonio Spurs loss in Game 7 of the NBA finals. Actually, the disappointment came at the end of Game 6, which was almost won before being snatched away. Most residents of San Antonio have been suffering the past couple of weeks from PSSD - Post Spurs Stress Disorder. It’s not pretty. We love our Spurs! Time and perspective will heal this one.

The Ugly —

I’m dealing with family stuff from afar (two hundred miles away). My parents and sisters are going through some stressful times, details I’d rather not go into now.  I’m doing my best to be present by phone. It means a couple of hours every day, talking, texting. It still doesn’t feel like enough. This too will pass.

The Good Again --

My sciatic nerve pain is nearly healed, and I can sit again for long periods of time.  After Kat’s stressful promotional exam, we went to the movies for the first time in ages and saw Star Trek Into Darkness. I loved it. I was amazed that given how long the movie has been out, I had no idea going in the identity of Benedict Cumberbatch’s character. I don’t want to spoil it here, just in case there are others out there who haven’t seen it. What a marvelous surprise it was! (And how I love Benedict Cumberbatch).

A Lovely Distraction

Kat is attending inservice this week and is therefore on daylight schedule — a perfect week for me to increase production. This morning I hit my to-do list hard and managed to:

• Research and write an article for the neighborhood newsletter;
• Format, print, and summarize a financial report for a meeting this evening;
• E-mail various people for last minute information for said meeting;
• Wash and fold a load of laundry;
• Play with the dog;
• Do yoga.

Then right before noon I remembered that today was the day for the Supreme Court decision. I went to scotusblog.com where I spent the next hour reading live blog updates and clicking on news reports from various agencies. Then I went to the Iowa web site to see how much their marriage licenses cost, because suddenly I think Kat and I should get married and start pushing for some federal benefits, like being able to file our federal income taxes jointly, and wouldn’t it be great to be married in the birth state of Capt James T Kirk? Then a couple of friends e-mailed and we went back and forth about how this might affect Kat and me, and then I looked at the time, and it’s four o’clock!! Shoot. So, a very productive half-day, but I’ll give myself a break :-)

Mid-Year Goals

These aren't exactly mid-year goals. They are goals from the beginning of the year, and though I had them written down, I hadn't blogged them. So here they are, with updates --

Creative Goals:

Writing -

• Revise and self-publish my completed middle grade novel
• Submit the second novel (completed and currently under revision)
• Write the first draft of the sequel to the second novel (up to about 5,000 words)
• Start a writing/reading related blog (have name and URL; tinkering with the look and content)

Sewing -

• Finish the Bichon quilt for Kat’s mother (blocks completed and sewed into strips; working with applique)
• Make a quilt for the guest room bed 
• Make a quilt for my niece
• Make an art quilt

Other -

• Make a fruitcake

Organizing Goals:

• Tweak my work space, especially better organize my “active” files
• Clear out filing cabinets, scanning and trashing files where appropriate (Started, barely)
• Clean out and organize 1) my make-up drawer, 2) the kitchen cabinets, 3) the pantry

Financial Goals:

• Review and adjust life insurance policies (Done)
• Increase automatic contribution to Kat’s deferred compensation plan
• Increase emergency savings account by 25%. (Making progress)
• Fully fund cushion savings (Done)
• Save and figure out financing if necessary for kitchen re-do (Have saved about $1900)
• Start saving for vacation to Diagon Alley (Universal Studios) in 2014 or 2015
• Lower cable and wireless phone bills 

Not bad, but I've a lot to do to meet goals before the end of the year. Some of these I can eliminate on a "get it done" day, such as cleaning out my make-up drawer and lowering the bills. Others will take weeks or months or more to accomplish. Of course I'm identifying and achieving (for the most part) new goals all the time, like the office closet clean-out and the sewing room renovation. 

For some reason, I tend to procrastinate on goals I've written down, which is the opposite effect writing goals is supposed to have. I suppose I let the impulse of the moment direct my days more than I'm happy with on reflection. Goal-writing and checking in are ways for past self (in this case, January self) to control her future and attempt to accomplish big things through thoughtful planning and follow through. Obviously present self isn't always cooperative, and I've let my project pages go unreviewed for a couple of months, when for a while they were a daily guide. I am updating and scribbling on them now. We'll see how it goes if future self bothers to check in.

Procrastination and Money

I drove back from Houston yesterday just in time to shower and dash to an HOA board meeting. I am one of three on the board for our neighborhood. Fortunately, we enjoy each other, and each of us is willing to work hard, so it's a good board and I don't mind the rather long meetings (only once a quarter) with our management company rep.

My least favorite part of the meeting is our executive session in which we review violations of the covenants and restrictions as well as homeowners non-compliant with paying dues. With the latter, we ensure that all notices have been sent, and if the homeowner is well overdue and has not contacted our management company despite all the notices, we vote to send to legal. Which adds hundreds and sometimes thousands to the homeowner's bill (over time), so that an original bill of $170 can balloon to two or three thousand or more (with late fees, title searches, legal costs, etc).

I HATE doing that. I know that some of these people are probably suffering some hardship or other, perhaps an illness or loss of job or divorce. The thing is, if they would just call and tell us what's going on, we could work with them and not have to send to our attorney. We have in the past asked our rep to contact each of them by phone, even though it's not required, in a last ditch attempt to communicate the financial consequences of ignoring the bills and many overdue notices. We've discovered this doesn't do much good.

Recently I saw an article somewhere, perhaps a blog post, on the high cost of procrastination. I'm not sure if this situation would fall under that heading or would belong more to the act of burying one's head in the sand and hoping the problem will go away. It doesn't really matter in this case, the consequence is the same, and it is quite costly.

I have to say, I've been kicking myself recently for some costly consequences to issues I've put off dealing with. Mine were due to classic procrastination. My term life insurance expired earlier this year, and I've had looking into a new policy on my to-do list for at least three years. THREE YEARS. Finally I had a "just do it" day and took care of aged to-do tasks, including the life insurance. Because of the skin cancer I had removed in April, I fell out of the preferred category. If I had done this two or three years ago, my rate would have been much lower. Ooooh, that burns.

I have a few other old tasks on the to-do list that have to do with money, including contacting the cable company about lowering our rate and visiting Verizon to ensure our plan is right-sized. I'm due another "just do it" day.

Melancholy and the Power of Gratitude

Simplifying my life has been a long-term goal for a while. Today I feel that I am failing and that I will never have a life of simplicity or live in the single-hearted way I crave. Why do other people seem so focused, achieving consistency and excellence while juggling work and family and home, and I can’t seem to get there? Comparing myself to others whose lives and struggles I don’t really know is not the way to go. “Run your own race” is one of my mantras. But today I am low, and my mind wants to travel those unproductive paths. 

I can’t help the melancholy, but I can control my reaction to it. 

First, forcing myself to write this post. Now that I’m started, it’s ok. 

Next, gratitude. For what am I grateful? What can I honestly say I feel true gratitude for right this minute? 

<thinking>

I am grateful for the hot cup of coffee at hand. I don’t normally drink afternoon coffee. This is a treat, and one I am savoring (more now that I’ve pointed it out to myself). 

I am grateful for my Kindle. Oh Kindle, how I love thee. How I love that you are filled with books, some read and some waiting to be read, all at my fingertips. 

I am grateful that I’m such a fast typist. I love to type, and have since I learned at age twelve. My typing speed has gotten me a few jobs over my lifetime.

This is better, but I’m noticing that a little voice within is trying to take my mind off the good things and steer me to what is bothersome. My messy desk, the overflowing mail bin, the . . . but no, I won’t go there now.

I am grateful for my cats. They make me laugh, and they are so beautiful. I never tire of my dear darling kitties (though you could do without the dogs, says my negative voice). But, I am focusing on cats.

I am grateful that the Spurs made it to the NBA finals. Woohoo!

There, I hit the tipping point. I feel a nice floaty bubble of happy in my gut. I still feel “down”, if that makes sense, sort of subdued, but no longer so self-critical. This gratitude stuff works!!

All Crises Pass - Budget Review

Finally, a review of first quarter budget, which did not reveal any major surprises. I set our budget for the year by taking the amount spent in each category for the previous year and dividing by twelve for each month’s budgeted amount. This way of doing things doesn’t really allow for inflation, so there’s a risk of running over. And while I do try to budget in emergencies — say especially in the “Other Auto” and “Pets” categories -- I probably don’t budget quite enough, mostly because I can’t make the income side balance. We try to get close, then cross our fingers and hope for the best.

For the quarter we were over about $200 on expenses, but also over on income thanks to Kat’s overtime. In fact we were a little ahead for the quarter, but May has seen some setbacks that will show up in the second quarter review. Our expenses for first quarter weren’t too over because we were under in a few categories, including — miraculously — Pets. 

I do “pad” the Pets budget line to anticipate vet expenses, and we were slightly under budget even with Beano’s dental work. But a couple of weeks ago we took our two senior dogs in for full physicals, vaccinations, and x-rays. Guess how much? One thousand dollars. $1,000. Un mil. Our vet has a new loyalty card that gives us 10% of each visit toward our next visit, so the lovely thing is that we now have $100 credit at the vet’s office. I have no doubt we’ll use it before the end of the year.

I should be ok with our first quarter financials, and I am, but it’s hard to rejoice when here in May I’m floating among the wreckage of the budget. It’s not just the vet bill — our cushion savings will take care of that — but I have felt out of control of our spending since I started hobbling around on this torqued leg. I’ve started massage therapy (expensive and not in the budget) and I’ve bought cushions and I will say here that I’m willing to pay whatever will end this pain and release me from the fringes of my own life. And then the gifts!! May/June is becoming Christmas II with all the graduations, weddings, mother’s and father’s days, and birthdays. All happy occasions, but hitting at the same time. 

One of my favorite sayings — “All crises pass” — has become a mantra these past couple of weeks. It’s not just the financials, though that adds to it, it’s the scattered and out of control feeling that comes from not being able to maintain former routines. It had been a goal of mine for the spring to create a routine for my writing, and it wasn’t until I was unable to sit at my desk that I realized I DID have a routine. It just didn’t look like other people’s routines or what I thought a writing routine should look like. When I enter the work-bubble that is my desk, usually late morning or early afternoon, I slip into writing mode. It’s a nice, warm, captainish* feeling, and I’ve missed it and can hardly wait to get back to it. 

All crises pass. This one will too.

* To borrow from Rabbit of the Hundred Acre Wood

Using Pain to Improve Life

Since my last post my life has taken a turn for the unexpected. I developed a literal pain in the butt that extends from the cheek down to the calf. Ouch!! Boy does it hurt. Hurts to sit, stand, and walk, which leaves lying down, but I can’t afford to do that all day, so I sit, stand, and walk, wincing (gasping) all the way.

After checking to ensure that a pinched nerve or my back isn't somehow involved, my doctor prescribed a powerful anti-inflammatory and some exercises. There’s no quick fix for this, and the pain wears me down by the end of the day. The silver lining is that I’m using the pain as motivation to work on some areas in my life. 

First, I figure that the body has an enormous capacity to heal itself as long as it’s not sabotaged. I’m helping by eating as healthily as I know how, with plenty of food high in antioxidants and anti-inflammatory properties. Guided by George Mateljan’s The World’s Healthiest Foods, an “essential guide for the healthiest way of eating,” I am learning the health properties of different foods and the best way to select, store, prepare, and cook them. 

Anti-inflammatory foods and herbs include salmon, tuna, and shellfish, pineapples, papayas, olives, garlic, ginger, and turmeric. There are others, but that’s where I’m starting. Yesterday for lunch Kat and I ate avocado halves sprinkled with lemon juice and stuffed with tuna salad (a recipe from the book). Tasty! 

Second, having this grinding, relentless pain actually helps with my mindfulness practice. Sometimes the pain overwhelms, and I have to stop and just breathe deeply. I try to follow the advice in the book to focus on breath and welcome any discomfort or pain instead of fighting it. It’s not easy, and it doesn’t always help, but most of the time it seems to. It keeps me from panicking anyway. Anxiety magnifies pain, and to the extent that mindfulness practice diffuses anxiety, it helps.

Third, I am forced to practice patience. Not a virtue of mine, but one I want to cultivate. The healing process takes time. I can eat all the right foods, exercise diligently, and take my meds, but I can’t force the pain away or hurry the healing process.  Impatience — when will this pain end? — like anxiety, just makes it worse. 

So there it is. I wrote most of this while standing at our kitchen island, and finished it off sitting at my desk. My new life for a while. I hope that when this chapter of life draws to a close, I will have acquired or deepened a few good habits.

Thwarted but I'm Good With It

April turned out to be a busy and out of the ordinary month (the skin stuff alone threw my calendar off kilter), and I was looking forward to my recent birthday as a day just to knock around in. A fun lunch in Gruene followed by naps and reading and movie watching. Kat was off, and she’s always game to do whatever.

That morning I rolled out of bed, and the first thing I did was charge my Kindle. This was going to be the kind of day that required a fully charged e-reader!

Things got off to a great start with a breakfast of kolaches and coffee. Then Kat surprised me with a light box for my sewing room. Hooray! The timing couldn’t have been more perfect as the quilt I’m working on requires applique. 

After lunch and a walk around the shops at Gruene, we drove back to San Antonio, into the neighborhood, turned the corner, and I saw this:

Hastily decorated by a neighbor

I gasped! No!! 

Yes, surprise party. The last guest left at 11:00 pm. My fully charged Kindle sat untouched.

So, my birthday went not at all as I had envisioned. Had I been asked, I would have said emphatically that I did not want a party. But, as with life when chaos intrudes on the hopeful vision of orderly days, I accepted it (after a bit of struggle) and it was good. It was good to visit with friends I haven’t seen in a while, and of course I was touched (after I got past wanting to kill her) by Kat’s eagerness to make the day special. 

I haven’t yet peeked at the credit card to see what this set us back. I have a budget session planned for tomorrow to review March and April. I’m hoping all the big birthday surprises are behind me :-P

Breaking Rules and Re-visiting Goals

Just back from a whirlwind visit home (near Houston) to visit my folks. The trip is exactly three hours and twenty minutes from my door to theirs. Most of the time I have to make a pit stop along the way. When I take Dobby, I stop off at a rest area so I can take him with me into the restroom.

I pulled into a rest area as usual and for the first time noticed a sign that clearly stated “No Pets Allowed in Restroom.” What?? But I can’t leave him in the car! What if he were stolen? And during summer months the car interior heats up far too quickly. Impossible to leave an animal in a car, even with the windows cracked. I might have to disguise him as a human baby and carry him in a pouch. Think it will work?

Time to check in with April goals:

Create a routine, writing at least three hours every (work) day. Still no routine, but I did manage the floating three hour period on days I wasn't on the road, plus more on occasion.

Close e-mail during writing sessions. Yup. 

Close internet during writing sessions, or use internet blocking or my alphasmart. Nope. The internet is like chocolate to me - irresistible. I cannot bring myself to use an internet blocking program; I don’t know why I even wrote that down. I haven’t yet unearthed my alphasmart. I really like typing on my laptop. A lot. And I use Scrivener. Though I know I can transfer my alphasmart stuff to Scrivener, I like working in Scrivener. So, I’ll have to figure this one out. I suppose if I’m hitting my writing goals (I’m now into daily word counts for my fiction), I can ease up on this one.

Practice mindfulness. I googled for some resources and came up with a bewildering number of books and blogs about mindfulness. Finally I downloaded Mindfulness for Dummies to my Kindle, figuring it would give me the basics. So far I like what I’m reading, but I’ve only just begun putting it into practice (as in yesterday). I plan to review this more fully in a future post.

I will now turn these goals into May goals. They’ve been helpful, and I want more time with them. 

A Detour into Zombieland

Wow. Monday was supposed to be getting-organized-again-after-company day. Instead, after a very busy Saturday/Sunday, we mostly laid around. That's ok. I'm good with an unplanned catch-up-on-rest day. (Kat is off Monday and Tuesday, so that's our "weekend").

On Tuesday I went in to have my skin thingies removed. I hadn't really thought much about the procedure; I certainly didn't think it would be what it was.

Kat went with me. She sat in the waiting room for three hours. She said she kept seeing people called to the back, then less than an hour later walk out with a patch somewhere on the arm or face or neck. I came out after three hours with huge pressure bandages on my arm and face, looking stunned I'm sure. The thingie on my arm was a basal cell carcinoma (mostly harmless because shallow, though can become dangerous if not removed), and on my face was a suspected melanoma (a severely abnormal mole with atypical cells that could become a melanoma if not already).

The face "wound" they left open in case tests revealed more needed to be cut away. The nurse used a mirror to show me the open incision so that I would be prepared in case the bandages came off before I could return today. I laughed out loud when I saw it! It was so incredibly gruesome; it was either laugh or cry. I looked like a zombie, flesh falling from bone. Wow.   

Test results today were good. The atypical cells were not yet melanoma, and all bad cells and carcinomas were successfully removed. My face has been stitched up and bandaged, and I'm good to go.

People have asked me whether I sunned myself when I was younger. The answer is no. I've never tried to tan. My skin is pink, and it freckles and turns pinker in the sun. I simply don't tan. I have Irish ancestry on both sides of my family.  Irish skin and the Texas sun are two things that do not go together.  I've always used sun block, but I intend to be more consistent about putting it on every time I go out.

Three things I am grateful for at this moment:

1. My health. I can't help but think of all those who go in to the doctor to hear a diagnosis of cancer. Whatever treatment follows, there is a lot of pain and anxiety and being tired and having to calm the anxieties of loved ones. I've had the very smallest of tastes, and I am awed by friends who have survived much more invasive and dangerous forms of cancer.

2. My insurance. In 2011, the mayor and city council voted to extend health care benefits to domestic partners of city employees. That enabled Kat to put me on her insurance. Before I had a high deductible insurance. Due to this, we're out of pocket a few hundred dollars instead of a few thousand.

3. Kat. I love her and can't imagine life without her. We've been together seventeen years in May, each year better than the last. We never had a wedding, but we have a wonderful marriage. I hope the State of Texas will one day recognize it.

The Backside of Company

Company has come and gone. A few days of hectic high energy plopped into my mostly placid life.

My niece and two nephews are 17, 15, and 12. They like to play games, and play we did -- some of the classics like Sorry and Yahtzee (and Battleship with my niece), and hours of a card game called Golf. It’s funny how much we love board games and cards, but I’m sure they play as often as Kat and I do, which is never, when we’re not all visiting each other.

I was proud of myself for achieving peace in chaos. There was a time when my siblings’ visits would jangle my nerves to the point that I couldn’t fully enjoy them. I’m not used to the energy that children bring, and I would spend some visits counting down the minutes to departure time.

Several years ago, I decided that I had to change my attitude and become more tolerant of disruption and noise and messiness, or I would miss out on the fun of being with my nieces and nephews (I have ten total). They were growing up, and I was growing old.

So I did.

Through prayer and journaling, and a lot through psyching myself up before a visit and choosing to let go and enjoy the craziness, I’ve found the visits to be more and more fun. Some of it may have to do with their age; most of them are teenagers now or close to it, but I can tell that some of the inner work is paying off.

So the visit was great, but now Kat and I are struggling a bit to get back into routines. I’ve had meetings that were postponed until after the visit and smushed all together at the end of the week. The house is messy, my grocery situation is out of whack, and I’m flying without meal plans. I have another long meeting tomorrow morning, and an event I’ve organized Sunday afternoon that, along with church in the morning, will take the day.

It’s push-through time, and Monday I’ll take stock and organize myself. Until then, I’ll just have to float along with the disorder and not let it get to me.

Distraction Busters

I am sitting at my desk, fingers flying across the keyboard, while I watch out the front window at workmen in our neighbor’s yard. Two of the men are digging a hole. Why are they digging a hole? They are digging in the side yard near the street. Something to do with the water?

Dobby - A Cute Distraction

My dog is napping on my lap, making it somewhat difficult to type. I glance at the time. I want to beat the crowds to the grocery store. With guests arriving Monday, I have a largish shopping trip planned. Fortunately, San Antonians don’t seem to grocery shop much before 11:00 on a Saturday morning. Everyone has a sleep-in.

This is how my morning writing session is going, unconnected wonderings and worries interspersed with moments of actual work.

Distractions nip at me constantly. An inevitable part of the writing life I suppose. I don’t think I handle them very well. I’ve written that a life goal of mine is to attain a feeling of wholeness. I dislike feeling scattered, and this constant succumbing to distractions contributes to that feeling. 

 I want to blame external factors for this inability to sit still, to focus, to feel integrated. Aside from musing-type distractions (staring out the window), there are distractions that willpower won’t make go away. Family members like to visit for a couple of days at a time, and I like to have them, but the bed and breakfast times can disrupt an entire week — cleaning, meal planning, shopping, and the visit itself.  I have too many volunteer commitments, with lunch and evening meetings. Even one meeting in the day can make the whole day feel disrupted. Home care, cooking, the dogs, the bills. Really it’s no more than others have to contend with, and less than most. But they’re MY distractions, and I’ve got to learn to integrate them into a good, creative life, because they’re not going away.

The root of the problem is internal. A resistance to the work that I know from experience will melt away as soon as I sit down and let myself fall into it. So today I am going to list distraction-busting practices for the month of April, and re-visit them on May 1 to see how I’ve done.

• Create a routine:  This is a biggie. I have tried for years, without much success, to have a set, daily routine. Largely because of Kat’s second-shift schedule, my best writing time is between about 8:00 and 9:00 am, and then early afternoon, like between 1:00 and 3:00, and then again for a couple of hours in the evening. With meetings popping up here and there, mostly in the evening, and family visits, and Kat’s weird days off, I stick to this routine maybe two days of any given week. So, I will practice getting in three hours of writing every day, regardless of the ‘when,’ though I will try for that morning and early afternoon rhythm.  That’s my practice goal for April. A separate, long-term goal will be to set my writing times/days, and not accept volunteer commitments that conflict with those times. (This has to be long-term as some of my commitments run to the end of 2014). 

•  Keep my e-mail closed while writing.

• Keep my internet browsers closed while writing. We’ll see how this one goes. If it costs too much in willpower, I can either check out one of those internet blocking programs or write on my Alphasmart. 

• Practice mindfulness meditation.

I can think of others, but this is enough to start with.

It’s coming up on 3:00 now, and time to take Dobby — my little white ball of energy — on his walk. I feel good because I can count this as a successful writing day, and I have no meeting tonight, so I plan to get some fiction writing done. (That’s right. I have nowhere to be on a Saturday night! It’s ok because our Saturday is Monday. The life of shift work).

Postscript:  The men across the street are installing a sprinkler system. It looks like an archeological dig over there. Watching other people do manual labor makes for an almost irresistible distraction! Lucky for me they should finish today.

Money Goals and How We Save

I am writing down specific budget goals for the year. April’s not too late, right? Kat’s buy-in is critical of course, but I’ll discuss with her after I’m satisfied with them. I’ve been sort of working toward these goals already; just haven’t taken the time to record them.

Most have to do with savings — increasing what I call our “cushion” savings as well as our larger "emergency" savings. The former is a savings account where our checking is. I dip into it easily via on-line banking and use it to chunk surplus income into (Kat gets overtime, so some months are better than others), then to take money out for large unexpected expenses.

The “emergency” savings is intended to support us for a few months in case of a major event that might lead to losing a steady paycheck. It is in a separate bank which I cannot access quite as easily. I have an automatic payment plan set up with my primary bank that sends money over with each paycheck.

Automating our savings is something I wish I had done much, much sooner. Since I started doing it two years ago, the account has grown to nearly $7,000 (which equals only about three months of pared down spending). If it weren’t automated, we would be lucky to have $2,000 there. The other $5,000 would have been frittered away.

I also want to increase our targeted savings for the kitchen update. The problem with this targeted savings is the current set-up. I separate it in Quicken from our cushion savings, but in reality it’s in the same account. I will be tempted to dip into that for “cushion” type expenses if my cushion account doesn’t bear up under the weight of those pesky financial hits that seem to keep coming.

The latest is a kitty issue. Our sweet, thirteen-year-old cat Beano (Kat named her; long story) has an abscessed molar. The cost of finding this out and fixing it will probably be close to $700. We’ll find out the extent of the damage after her blood work comes back, the results of which will determine the vet’s approach to the surgery. Fortunately  we just received a bit of a bonus. I paid the last of my real estate taxes, and I had over-saved, giving me an unplanned for $400.

I’ve mentioned before that we’re in a better situation with savings and debt than we’ve ever been before, and yet my worry over this latest set-back feels about the same as it would have a few years ago. As I left the vet’s office, I worried about Miss Bean of course, but then I started worrying about the fact that we have five senior pets, and are we well enough prepared for the inevitable increase in vet expenses? (Not really). What happens if they all get sick or need surgery at the same time?

So I indulged in a little hyperventilation.

Going back to what I wrote about Murphy vs Providence, I am determined to cultivate gratitude. I will be grateful for the bonus we received just in time to defray the cost of Beano’s surgery; grateful that it wasn’t worse than it is; grateful that we are in a decent financial position and have the resources to handle home and auto and pet and health issues, even if doing so means we can’t have some of the things we want. How many people don’t have these resources? How many have to deal with problems I can’t even imagine dealing with? I say “Thank you” through gritted teeth and hope that the practice  becomes an orientation toward life -- without the gritted teeth.

So there’s my number one financial goal — to continue to practice gratitude and to trust in life’s abundance. Trust that what we need will somehow be there, and to be grateful when it is. I do have more specific goals to work toward and will post them after chatting with Kat.

Murphy? or Providence?

My dad has a story he likes to tell of his and mom’s first years of married life back in the sixties. He worked at a steel mill; she was a full-time homemaker. They had very little money, but one month he earned an extra $200 on his paycheck. They came up with all sorts of plans for what they might do with the money, but then Mom had a dental emergency, and the cost to fix her teeth was exactly $200. “We just couldn’t get ahead,” Dad says. “Could not get ahead.”

Which is how I feel sometimes. Kat and I have a little extra left over from the tax return that didn’t get spent on the sewing room project. This is the first year we haven’t had to put our tax return on debt, having paid off our credit card. We’ve been talking of putting it toward either our kitchen re-do or our emergency savings. Or, hmm, I’ve always wanted a KitchenAid stand mixer. Is now the time to start researching deals? We could consider it part of the kitchen update (I can rationalize any purchase).

But life throws curves. We had a severe wind storm blow through San Antonio last month. A few of our shingles were knocked off. The repairs cost $270. Then my primary care doc sent me to the dermatologist for a suspicious mole. Two biopsies later, I find out I am to have two skin thingies excised (one a basil cell carcinoma, the other some atypical cells that could turn into a melanoma). I’m sure we’ll pay at least up to our deductible, which is $500, then whatever the co-insurance is after that. Those two things together take care of the last of the tax return and more.

I’ve thought about Dad’s story over the years. This phenomenon of coming into money at the same time some unexpected expense pops up is certainly not unique to my parents. It happens to everyone. I can look at it as Murphy riding in to snatch that extra money out of our hands, or see it as a caring universe (or Providence or however you might name it) giving me what we need when we need it. The first viewpoint leads to frustration and a lot of “Why me’s?” The second evokes gratitude. I will admit I feel frustrated, but I am going to choose to be grateful that we happen to have this money when we need it to repair our home and take care of my health. And I don’t need a mixer anyway :-)

House Project "Reveal"

Since my latest house transformation project is done, I thought I'd tinker with the look of this blog. My tinkering is not over, but I feel I'm getting closer to what I want.

But now, on to the sewing / guest room transformation and the reveal!

My "before" pictures are of the room in sewing mode:

Drab and cluttered, right?  Normally I have my sewing machine out on the sewing table (where the gray kitty sits in the first picture), and to my right (I'm standing in a small closet) along the wall is my cutting table. I took this after we moved the piano, which used to sit where the small chest is. No wonder I felt claustrophobic when I tried to quilt.

And here are the "after" pictures, two of the sewing room and one in guest room mode:

Thanks to Molly for all her help. I couldn't have done this without her.

Thanks to Neville for adding the perfect touch to the bed.

In guest room mode, the sewing table folds up into a nice-looking cabinet and rolls to the right of the closet in place of the cutting table, which rolls back to our bedroom for the duration of the visit. The pretty green chair sits against the wall to the left, so that the sewing cabinet and chair provide places for guests to set their luggage.

I can't express how pleased I am with our results! I've never considered myself especially creative in  interior design, and neither does Kat. Believe me, our projects don't always turn out this nice.

One of the unexpected bonuses is that the shelves on either side of the Murphy bed provide enough space that we were able to get rid of one of the book cases in our office, opening up that space a little more. And I love, love, love having my beloved books in my creative work space.

There are some additional finishes we could do. It would be nice to have a smaller, more decorative lamp, and maybe an accent rug, a different ceiling fan, but we splurged on the chair ($80 at Kirkland's for the perfect green chair), and on good quality wood and paint. The others are things we can pick up as it fits in the budget.

So, we broke our pledge again of no house projects in January and February, and we used tax return money we were going to put toward the kitchen re-do scheduled for later this year, but I have no regrets. I feel that ultimately we bought light and space. Money well spent.

DIY Project - From Despair to Good Times

How is it that once a project is begun, the world comes crashing in?  Kat and I know to allot more time than we think is needed for any house project. We started the minor renovation of my sewing / guest room with a hard deadline of March 10, the date of the arrival of my sister and nieces for Spring Break. We had two mostly empty weekends to work with, and figured the project would take only one of those weekends with the cracks filled in during the week.

I’m sure you can guess the rest of the story.

On Saturday the ninth, we were frantically finishing up the room while trying to clean, shop for groceries, prep for meals, and all the other things that go with getting ready for guests. We made it, barely.

The unexpected problems that cropped up were, first, my getting a nasty cold and passing it on to Kat. We worked through it, but fatigue was definitely a factor. Then Kat was assigned a trainee at work, which meant much longer hours, and this on top of battling a cold virus. Then I had some issues pop up with volunteer work that needed attention. I fell into that middle-of-project funk when I despair that we’re improving anything and wonder why we made so much seemingly unnecessary work for ourselves.

But in the end we finished just in time for guests to enjoy (very satisfying!!) Today guests have gone home, and I need to clean before I take “after” pictures. I’ll be back soon to show off the project. I am VERY pleased with how it turned out.

Despair is gone, and now time to enjoy, and try hard to ward off the itch to tackle some other project anytime soon.

Making a Small Space Function

See that innocent looking tape measure? I left it on the dresser the other day.

"Why'd you have the tape measure out?" Kat asked when she got home from work.

Doh! I didn't want her to know I was scheming to get the piano out of my sewing room (and primary guest room). I've been feeling way too claustrophobic in there since I'd installed a cutting table. The room is only 9 1/2 feet by 10 feet, and in it fits my sewing table, ironing board, piano, murphy bed, cutting table, and a small chest of drawers. The cutting table folds up nicely, but when I'm using it, I have about a 4 by 4 space to move around in.

My idea was to get rid of the large dresser in our master, downsize my clothes to the small chest currently located in the sewing room, thus freeing space to put the piano in our bedroom. I didn't have everything thought through when Kat found the tape measure, and I didn't want to present my plan prematurely, but too late! She got it out of me -- and flipped upon hearing I wanted to jettison the not-very-old dresser.

Much arguing ensued, during which I dramatically proclaimed that now she could understand why I hadn't wanted to tell her anything until I had it all worked out.

After we both settled down, she thought things over and figured out a way to rearrange the room to make it work without losing the dresser. At first I wasn't too happy, "Why can't we just let go of things?" I said, but Kat is a natural organizer, so in the end I decided to trust her.

I can't believe it, but I love our new bedroom. We did remove a few things -- some book shelves and two pieces of kitty furniture -- but what really opened up the space was rearranging a few pieces of the bedroom furniture. Our piano fits, and the room seems somehow more spacious to me. More comfortable.

And what is more exciting is the sewing room. We pulled everything out and painted, then we centered the murphy bed on the wall; it had been off-center to accommodate the piano. Kat is building cabinets for the top of the murphy bed and shelves along either side so that the whole thing will look built-in (we hope). Our inspiration picture is here at  Houzz.com.

What is so cool is that we're making good use of vertical space. We'll be able to store pillows and bed linens in the cabinets over the murphy bed instead of in our small linen closet. The shelves will house the books that were in the master bedroom with plenty of room for baskets to hold my stash (as in quilting fabrics :-))

I've taken "before" pictures, but it may be a week or so before I have the "after" shots, so I'll wait to post them.

Wish us luck!

Boundaries and Guilt

I said no.

One of the bullet points of my personal mission statement is to "carefully consider requests to commit my time, accepting or declining as best fits my values and goals." Sounds unemotional and reasonable, but I can't adequately express how difficult living this is for me, and what negative emotions it stirs up! I could benefit from a can't-say-no support group.

But for once, I said no.

I was asked to serve on a new, and needed, parish committee by a person I like and respect. My first impulse was to say yes, but I forced myself to sit with the request and think it through. In this case, I could tell that my impulse to join came more from fear of disappointing this person than it did from wanting to commit time to the objectives of the committee, as worthy as those objectives are. It was a tough decision -- the need to please nearly consumes me -- but in the end, I DID say no.

Do I feel good about it? Not really. I'm struggling with guilt and the feeling that I've let this person down. This is why I end up with too much busy and not enough time spent on the things I value most.

As uncomfortable as these feelings are, I will live with them knowing that I made a good decision. Maybe with a little more practice, saying no won't be so hard.

The Last Box

Until a couple of days ago, this is what was left of my real estate life:

I've had it sitting next to my desk for over a month,  intending to sort through it. Finally I seized an empty morning and dug in. Client files I scanned then shredded, and the rest I either scanned then trashed, or gave away.  I did keep a few office supplies.

So it's all over. Still feels strange.

There are vestiges left -- equipment I purchased for the real estate business that I am glad I invested in, as I would never have sprung for these items otherwise (being what Gretchen Rubin and others call an under buyer). At the top of this list of useful equipment is my scanner:

Note the small footprint. Deceptive, because this little guy scans fast and in quantity. Shortly after I purchased it at the beginning of my real estate venture, I took it for a spin by tackling the clutter in our office closet.

We had an entire shelving unit full of binders, which were stuffed with college papers, memorabilia, and photos. I trashed some papers, but what I couldn't part with, I scanned into  labeled folders on my laptop, then backed it all up to an external hard drive. The pictures went into iPhoto, and the actual photos went into photo boxes. We opened up a ton of space, and the scanning was so easy!

I would never have bought this piece of office equipment had I not done real estate. Just too expensive, and I could never have justified it to myself, but it's been worth every penny for its organizing and decluttering abilities.

So thank you Real Estate Venture, for giving me the opportunity to learn new things, make new friends, have different experiences, and own a zippy scanner.

Blowing Deadlines and Re-Scripting Failure

Spread before me right now are all my tools for working toward goals and organizing time. These tools go from the general to the specific -- personal mission statement, 2013 resolutions, and project pages. Project pages are what I live from. I check them every morning to orient myself. In them I list the areas of my life that require attention -- writing, volunteer commitments, household, finances, quilting, relationships, health -- and for each area I have columns for goals, tasks (a catch-all to-do list), and next step(s). Having just one or two tasks per area in the next step column makes juggling everything so much more manageable.

But here's the thing.

My project pages are full of missed deadlines. Dates crossed out, sometimes multiple times, for a project or next step. I used to be down on myself for this seeming inability to keep self-made deadlines -- especially as I am obsessive about meeting any deadline set for me by someone else. I can see the likes of Stephen Covey and Tony Robbins shaking their heads and thinking that success is not likely here; one must be accountable to oneself, or at least find a buddy to aid accountability. And while there's truth in that, I've come to realize something important.

For years I've badgered myself about blown deadlines, and my inner nag had just about convinced me that I could not perform work that is self-directed, that I needed a boss to set external goals and deadlines. Yet if I look back over the last several years, I managed to write three novels -- revising each mulitple times -- start a blog, complete five quilts, maintain a clutter-free home full of heatlhy pets, contribute a lot to volunteer efforts, keep up with friends and family, and make a mildly successful stab at a different career before deciding it wasn't for me. Not bad for suffering from nagging doubts that I can't be successful because I fail at keeping self-imposed deadlines.

Somehow my methods work (for the most part), and it occurred to me that my goal-setting and project planning are my way of plotting my life. In the writing world, we speak of plotters vs pantsers, or those who create character charts and plot outlines before writing the narrative (Elizabeth George), verses those who enter the world of a character and write the narrative by the seat of their pants (Stephen King). Many of us fall on the spectrum between those two positions. I am a plotter, but often I diverge from my carefully outlined plot and go off by the seat of my pants until I get so tangled I need to stop and readjust the outline. I do this over and over.

So I plot my life with goals and tasks and target deadlines. This works for a while until interests and circumstances intrude, and off I go. Then I get bogged down and disoriented, and back I go to my mission statement and project pages, crossing out and readjusting and moving forward with a plan for a while. Messy, messy, but it works and I'm done trying to change myself or measure myself against the plot outline, declaring myself a failure for not having stuck with it. If I am not managing to accomplish some of my objectives, then I'll figure out why and re-write the goal and/or tasks related to the goal. No failure there, and so simple. My inner nag will have to find something else to yammer about.

Unexpected Expenses of the Young New Year

Today the sun is shining! But it's still too cold for me. Brrr.

Kat and I had decided to take a break from household maintenance projects at least for the months of January and February. But God laughs at our plans!! It's been so cold (for South Texas; I'm sure many would think our shivering at temps in the 30's and 40's is amusing), that we've wanted to make our feral kitties more comfortable.

Kat built a little door in the side of the garage that can be closed off at night when our furry friends are safely inside, then we bought some Purr Pads and a small heater. Those boys are nice and warm at night now (you can guess they're not very feral any more, if they ever were true ferals). Cost was around $100, but worth it for the peace of mind.

Unexpected expenses in other categories in the new year are a defunct hard drive in Kat's laptop ($160 to replace) and a $170 trip to the dentist for me. It was a routine cleaning, but I was due x-rays and a consult with the dentist. All is fine except that I have two teeth with recessed gumlines that need to be filled at a cost of $270. Sigh. That comes up in February.

Not so good, but on the other hand, where we can better control expenses -- such as dining in and keeping our grocery bill in check -- we've done well. I'm determined to NOT be like the king in the old nursery rhyme who sat in his counting house counting out his money. Being budget conscious is one thing, but in the past few years I've gotten obsessive and overly anxious about it. We'll do what we can to be prudent, and beyond that I will trust life (part of my personal mission statement).

Personal Mission Statement

The New Year is a grand time for me because I love to make resolutions. Keeping them is of course another matter, though I usually do ok except for anything exercise related.

A few weeks ago I was browsing through Amazon's Lending Library and happened across Stephen Covey's The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People . It's been around for quite a while now (originally published in 1989), but I'd never read it, so I snagged it. It turned out to be great timing with the New Year, and I decided to take the author's advice and write a personal mission statement out of which I could make resolutions and goals for the year.

After much journaling and meditation, here's a first pass at my mission statement:

"They are happy, whose strength is in you,
in whose hearts are the roads to Zion.
As they go through the Bitter Valley
they make it a place of springs . . ."
Psalm 84

I will

Trust in God's Providence to provide all that I need to accomplish my mission on earth
Nurture all creatures in my care or within my circle of influence
Create generously and with good energy, resisting the urge to doubt myself and my creative abilities
Treat writing -- books, blogs, and articles -- as my new business, working at it with as much time and energy as I gave Real Estate
Be a good steward of all that has been given -- talents and time, possessions, money, house, and pets
Strengthen relationships
Practice hospitality, making our home a welcoming and relaxing place for Kat and me and for others
Understand the "other side" of an issue and avoid demonizing others
Defend the absent*
Live more simply
Carefully consider requests to commit my time, accepting or declining as best fits my values and goals
Follow through on commitments made to myself and others
Create habits for prayer and fitness to strengthen the spirit and body
Persevere in following principles and creating and keeping good habits

These are not goals exactly, but a way of being to live into. I have developed goals from this, and already I feel stronger in accomplishing them because I have this statement as a touchstone, something to remind me why I've developed goals in the first place and to strengthen my resolve. So thanks Stephen Covey! This exercise makes a good beginning to the new year.

* I lifted this phrase straight from Covey's book. It's simple yet quite challenging.

Changing Direction

Until today, the About Me blurb on this page read:

"Middle-aged and muddled, I am writing toward a life decision. Shall I stick with my business, or quit and do something else? There's more involved, and I've a lot of exploring to do. I won't be hasty."

The decision was made and I've moved on. As of January 1, my decision to quit real estate has become a reality. While my state license remains active, I am no longer active with the Board of Realtors and so do not have access to the MLS (Multiple Listings Service).

I've changed my introduction to reflect the new direction of this blog (not so terribly different from the old direction, just not as specific in intent). Also, I don't like to call myself muddled. Maybe I am muddled, but I don't want to be. Living with greater clarity and simplicity is a goal of mine, and seeing that I am "middle-aged and muddled" every time I pop into this page is not so great.

So this year the key word is integration and the goal is living whole. To 2013!